Rough Week

Tracy’s writing a blog post?! What?! (Tracy’s talking in the third person?! Okay- I need to stop, I am tired. Bear with me…)

So it is has been a while since I last posted on here. A long while… It’s been a busy year! And I have just been doing well. Living life and being a happy kid (some may say I am an adult now. Those people are mean). And honestly, I always have lots to say, but I don’t know what my blog readers care to read about (I do take request J if there are any of you still out there…)!

But here is where I am at with life, I work in public accounting at one of the “Big Four” accounting firms. Living the nerd life is fine. I am a tax accountant, so I am working an absurd amount of hours, but I handle it well. I sort of thrive in this environment, but I do missing getting to cook, grocery shop, see my family and friends, etc…

I have lived the last couple years in a normal place with food, exercise, etc. I eat mostly intuitive, sometimes I count macros, but never too intensely. Sometimes I am good about having a workout routine and sometimes that routine slips away. I have had a few injuries that were set-backs, but nothing I haven’t bounced back from. Life has been good.

But for the five or so years before, as those who have read my blog in the past probably know, I struggled with pretty bad eating and body image issues. There was no such thing as a day where I didn’t think about exactly how many calories I ate or how big my thighs were or how flat my stomach was—most of you reading are probably reading because you have been through the same. Anyways, those things don’t usually affect me anymore.

Do you see where this is going now? You guessed it! Those feelings (probably best described here) kind of started to inch back into my life this week. And it is unsettling.

Earlier this week I came down with a stomach bug that left me unable to eat on Monday and since then my appetite has been gone. I don’t know if my metabolism is just that fast or what it was- but pants that were form-fitting last week, felt loose today (because I have not ate much at all). And I was pleased. Which is the reaction I have worked two years to move away from.

I am exhausted, I was at the office 18.5 hours yesterday and will be here about the same amount of time today. My positivity defenses are down. And those old, horribly self-deprecating thoughts are jumping back in.

Now all that being said- why am I writing all this to the public? Well frankly, because I have NO idea who to talk to about it. I am at work and know I need to get all this off my chest and really I need to hold myself accountable.

I will never let that stuff get the best of me again, but I am still human and right now I am certainly struggling. I kind of suck at my job, but I am new and I will get better. I am having very negative body image thoughts, but fuck that- I am awesome and will eat a pizookie tomorrow and a donut on Saturday and those stupid pants will be form-fitting again next week J

Moral of the story (because I feel like I need one for the MOST scatter-brained post ever)—if you read all this, you are awesome. I seriously feel so much better just having typed all these feelings out for everyone (or no one) to read. I hope you have a SPECTACULAR Friday and a rockin’, donut-filled weekend!

 

 

Post-initial-writing edit: OH MY GOODNESS I just looked at my last post and the picture I posted with it… I laughed out loud. I am the absolute worst selfie-taker on the planet. If you need a laugh, feel free to look at it and laugh at me with me.

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It’s Better on the Other Side

I can’t tell you how to get better. Whatever it is that’s holding you back, I can’t tell you how to overcome it. I can’t convince you to stop your unhealthy habits- that’s all is up to you. What I can tell you- is no matter how hopeless your situation seems or how much it just doesn’t seem worth the trouble to “get better”—it is better on the other side.

That being said her is a little recap of my past couple of years:

I am naturally thin but my weight has gone through a 25-pound yo-yo since I was 16. The lows and the high within that range were usually when I had some pretty unhealthy habits.

[October 2012] Almost two years ago, I hurt my knee and without running and other high-intensity cardio, I snapped. It was not just my inability to run though—it was that I felt lost. I had friends and a job and I have a great family. But I did not like who I was. I have always disliked little parts about myself (sometimes I disliked myself more than other times), but something in me just boiled over and everyday I began to loathe myself more and more.

I started to become obsessed with getting smaller. I began to crave the feeling of hunger, it was like some challenge that kept me engaged in my life and before I knew it I had dropped down to the size I was when I was 14/15 (I was 19 at the time).

I knew what I was doing was wrong, but part of me just didn’t care. Part of me was proud of how I could shut up my voice of reason for the sake of being skinnier.

People say that this kind of obsession is about being able to control something in your life, but I think its the opposite—its about surrendering control of your life to an evil little voice in your head. I think because I always felt like I had to be in control that I just wanted something else to “take the wheel” for a while.

I relinquished my emotions- I smiled, but I wasn’t happy. Bad things would happen, but I Wasn’t fully sad. I was kind of just numb.

[January 2013] I got to a point where it is not an even a debate of “should I eat this”, because that voice had already told me “no.”

I remember not wanting to gain control back over my health and happiness because it was so much easier being wrapped up in the sick numbers game of “how low can you go.”

[May 2013] But then there was the “bright light” in my life (here I get a bit cheesey)—my boyfriend. I had been dating him for few months and began to fall for him more and more. He made me feel like there was so reason to care. I didn’t want him to worry about me not eating enough or not being able to enjoy the little things like splitting a sundae.

I started to see that there was to life than being numb to the world. Did I really want to be so cold all the time? Did I really want to have inverted boobs? Was I really okay with letting my body waste away?

I wanted to be happy. I was with someone who actually made me forget about the little voice in my head and I was ready to take advantage of that.

[October 2013] Skip to last October, I had gained some of my weight back and was starting to get a little bit healthier physically and was starting to gain more control mentally. I found all these girls on instagram who had changed their life for the better by restoring their metabolism through reverse dieting. They all seemed so happy and I wanted to be like them. But I was scared. I did not lift weights, I ran. And Lord knows I was not comfortable with eating more than 1500 calories a day (still an enormous leap from my 600 calorie days). I tore three muscles in my right quad and decided that was a sign to turn to weight lifting and to begin my reverse diet.

[December 2013] The first couple months were a struggle, but around Christmas time it hit me—I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with memories of how I dreaded holidays because I had to avoid all the food and questions from my family. That is not how you make good memories. And starting that Christmas, I started to feel free.

[February 2014] I stopped counting macros in February. I made the conscious decision to focus on all the wonderful things in my life. Sometimes I would still stress about hitting my untracked macros and some days I would track again- but it slowly became less and less important to me.

[October 2014] In the last 8 months I have changed my workout routine more times than I can count. Sometimes I work out a lot and sometimes I workout a little.

I no longer fit in the same clothes I did when I was in high school, but I am okay with that because I am happier and healthier than ever.

I realized there are so many wonderful things in life and there is no way I am going to let a voice diminish all the wonderful experiences I will have.

I know I could never let a voice of negativity take over my life again and that is a feeling of happiness and a freedom that I wish anyone who feels trapped in an emotional, or otherwise negative, situation could feel.

If you feel you aren’t worth the change for the better- trust me you are.

If you think it isn’t worth the fight for your happiness- it is.

We all struggle through things, but it is through those struggles that we can appreciate the greatest happiness.

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”

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I gained my life back.

In the last year I have gained about 20 pounds and several pant sizes. And I am proud of it. When I tell people how much I have gained, they usually say something like, “Oh- but you are still skinny!” or “Don’t worry, you still look good!” What they don’t realize is I know I look good and I know I look and feel better!

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Here I was on April 29th, 2013, just a few pounds above my lowest weight and I was trying on a bathing suit at Target. I thought I looked fat. The bandaid on my arm is from donating blood a few days prior. They took my ½ the blood they normally would have because of how thin I looked. And even with them only taking half the blood, it took so much out of me that I nearly passed out and had to go to sleep at 7 that night because I felt so sick and tired. What else would you expect when eating significantly less than 1000 calories a day?

My rib cage stuck out without me sucking in. My lower tummy popped, not because of a food baby, but because of lack of nourishment. My skin clung to my shoulder blades and collarbones. There was no muscle, no color to my skin—I was wasting away. This is the most revealing picture I have of me near my low weight and I hate seeing it, but it also reminds me of everything outside of the number on the scale that I have gained.

Now here I am today:

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I have gained 20 pounds, but I have also gained confidence, a butt, boobs, my health, my happiness, my life back. I no longer walk around looking like a ghost. I no longer look in the mirror and see nothing but flaws. In fact, I am starting to really like what I see! Despite the areas that have more fat or when I have a food baby (which I proudly rocked this morning after all my post-graduation burgers and Sprinkles cupcakes)—I know I can flex and feel strong. I really am proud of who I have become. I feel like I am myself again. It has been years since I felt this happy. And it all happened because I decided I was no longer going to teeter between healthy and skinny. I fully dedicated myself to being positive and eating enough to fully sustain and nourish my body. I have never looked back. My progress over the last year has taught me I can never give up. Anything is possible with the right mindset! Love yourself and believe in all the things you can achieve and great things will happen.

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Chai Spiced Cinnamon Roll French Toast

No I am not kidding. Yes it is a thing. And it is healthy. And it is perfect. It will take you a lot of time. It is worth it.

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Dough

¼ c water

¼ c unsweetened vanilla almond milk (or go bold with some coconut milk)

3 tbsp sugar free maple syrup (or agave nectar or regular maple syrup or honey)

a few dashes of sea salt

1 (¼ oz packet) yeast (about 2 ¼ tsp)

1 tbsp butter substitute (I use Smart Balance light with flaxseed OR for a coconut theme go for coconut oil), melted and cooled to room temperature

1 large egg, room temperature (or to make it vegan, a vegan substitute should be fine)

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp maple extract

½ tsp of almond extract (or if you are koo-koo for COCOnut then use 1 tsp of coconut extract)

2 c whole wheat pastry flour, plus (quite a bit) extra for kneading

Filling

½ tbsp butter substitute (once again I use Smart Balance light with flaxseed or coconut oil), melted

¼ c sugar free maple syrup

1(ish) tbsp ground cinnamon

 

French Toast Coating:

½ cup of egg whites (or two eggs)

¾ cup of unsweetened vanilla almond milk

¼ T of vanilla extract

¼ T of extract of choice (almond, maple, or coconut)

½ – 1 T of chai mix (for the recipe I used, click here)

 

Le Steps:

 

  1. To prepare the dough, combine the water, milk, maple syrup, and salt in a large microwave-safe bowl. Microwave on HIGH for 40 seconds or until warmed (about 100-110°F, make sure it is warm enough).
  2. Wisk in the yeast, and let the mixture sit for 10-15 minutes until frothy (this is a word the original recipe used but I witnessed no frothiness, maybe I just didn’t warm the mixture enough).
  3. Wisk in the butter substitute, egg, vanilla, maple, and almond extracts. With a wooden spoon, stir in ½ cup of the whole-wheat pastry flour at a time until the dough begins to pull away from the sides of the bowl. (It took mine about a cup and a half)
  4. NOW LET THE KNEADING BEGIN (I hope you have strong hands because this takes a while): I kneaded the dough in the bowl because I have a large nonstick bowl, if you don’t then knead the dough on a well-floured surface. Continue adding dough (slowly) while kneading until the dough stops absorbing the flour and the dough springs up lightly when pressed you’re your finger. This took me 10-15 minutes.
  5. Shape the dough into a ball. If you kneaded the dough on a floured surface, the coat a clean, dry bowl with nonstick cooking spray, and roll the dough ball around inside until completely coated. Place a clean, dry towel over the top, and leave the bowl in a warm draft-free spot to rise for 1 hour, or until doubled in size.
  6. Roll out into a 15” wide by 10” tall rectangle on a nonstick surface (to achieve this, I floured a thin, flat towel). Brush the surface with the melted butter, leaving a 1” border on the two longer edges. Whisk together the maple syrup and cinnamon, and brush on top of the melted butter, still leaving a 1” border on the two longer edges. Carefully roll the dough into a log, starting at one of the longer edges and rolling towards the other longer edge. Refrigerate the log for 20 minutes.
  7. Lightly coat two 9” or 10” round baking pan with tall edges with nonstick cooking spray. Drizzle some additional maple syrup and cinnamon on the bottom of the pans. Using unscented dental floss (DO NOT USE A KNIFE- I didn’t have unscented floss so I literally used mint floss that I cleaned the mint off of), slice the log into 10-12 (I like mini cinnamon rolls so I think I made 14) equal rounds. Drape a clean, dry towel over the top, and place in a warm draft-free spot to rise for 60 minutes or until doubled in size.
  8. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Once the cinnamon rolls have risen, drizzle with MORE maple syrup and cinnamon, and bake for 14-18 (if you make them small, they require less cooking time) minutes, or until the top feel firm to the touch. Cool in the pan for at least 10 minutes before serving (unless you are French toast-ifying it, then read on)
  9. Let the cinnamon rolls cool completely in a shallow bowl, compine all the “French toast coating” ingredients.
  10. Cut a few cinnamon rolls in half and dip both sides in the coating.
  11. Place the cinnamon rolls onto a heated (and cooking spray coated) pan (I cooked mine on just higher than medium heat)
  12. (optional) To give them additional crispiness, bake them in the over at 450 F for a couple minutes
  13. top with whatever pleases you and enjoy!!

 

For the inspiration for this recipe, click here.

If you are lazy, just use bread and the glorious french toast mix. If you hate french toast (weirdo), but love chai then replace the cinnamon in the cinnamon roll recipe with chai mix! This recipe is versatile- I gave it underlying almond flavor, but you can also give caramel or coconut flavors and it should turn out really tasty too!

 

Life is meant for LIVING.

“Don’t exist.
Live.
Get out, explore.
Thrive.
Challenge authority. Challenge yourself.
Evolve.
Change forever.
Become who you say you always will. Keep moving. Don’t stop. Start the revolution. Become a freedom fighter. Become a superhero. Just because everyone doesn’t know your name doesn’t mean you dont matter.
Are you happy? Have you ever been happy? What have you done today to matter? Did you exist or did you live? How did you thrive?
Become a chameleon-fit in anywhere. Be a rockstar-stand out everywhere. Do nothing, do everything. Forget everything, remember everyone. Care, don’t just pretend to. Listen to everyone. Love everyone and nothing at the same time. Its impossible to be everything,but you can’t stop trying to do it all. Make this moment your reckoning. Your head has been held under water for too long and now it is time to rise up and take your first true breath.” -Brian Krans
I have done some incredible things in my life. I have been to more countries than I have states, which has resulted in endless adventures. I have sky dived, cliff dived, been on a canyon swing, climbed Mayan Pyramids, and even swam in the Blue Grotto!
This past summer I backpacked through Germany, Austria, Belgium, and Spain- an experience that SHOULD HAVE topped them all. I don’t want to live my life with regret and though there are a few things I have done that I am not proud of, I also feel I learned a lot from them. My back packing experience, however, is probably my greatest regret.
I saw some of the most incredible cities and sites but I did not care- I let my anxiety take over my trip and I severely diminished the experience for both myself and (for the real reason I regret how I treated the trip) my brother. Even if part of the experience involved bad luck, I can not deny that the real problem was my bad attitude.
The previous summer I studied in Florence, Italy and had the best six weeks of my life. I had a very anxiety filled year leading up to that experience, but I still allowed myself to let loose and enjoy every moment of my trip. The attitude I upheld during my study abroad experience is the one I will carry with on all my travels from here on out. I want to live, experience, and thrive.
Life is too short to hold back and be bitter. There is so much to see and learn in this world and you simply will put a hindrance on living if you let a negative attitude determine your outlook. Smile and experience all that you can! Take risks, be bold, travel, and try to discover all you can about yourself and the world around you because chances are, you will like what you find!
And a quick montage of my travels the past few years (I don’t have many pictures from my back packing trip because my camera broke on the third day):
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It didn’t quite go as planned.

“I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside.”

Today I woke up early, went to a group weight class at my gym at 5:30, went to my three back-to-back classes starting at 7:30, got out at 11:45, went to work, and I had planned to come home and run 6 miles.

Well that didn’t quite go as planned.

I tweaked my knee 8 days ago after my first 8 mile run in over 3 months. Since then I have worn my knee brace, slowed down my running pace, and taken it easier with my leg workouts. Last night when I arrived at the gym I realized I had forgotten my brace, but I completed my interval-training workout on the treadmill anyways. I tried to complete a leg workout after, but my knee was in too much pain so I left.

This morning, my knee was aching throughout the weight class even though I was wearing my brace, but I was still determined to run tonight. I got home from work and confirmed my plans to run with my friend. As the run approached, I asked myself why I was so determined to run despite the pain. I immediately thought “because I am eating so much.” And my reaction if I didn’t run? Eat less at dinner.

I kid you not, those were my immediate reactions. And I thought I was doing so well.

At 2200 calories a day, I am still eating below a maintenance level for my height, weight, and activity level (assuming my workouts are 60 minutes long I should be eating almost 2400, but in reality my workouts are usually at least 90 minutes and I am still working on increasing calories). I worked out for an hour already today. Yet I still felt the need to either run or eat less. Old habits die hard.

But if I have learned anything in the last few months, it is that just because I can’t control what goes on around me, doesn’t mean I can’t choose how I handle it. Last year, if I hadn’t been able to run, I would have had lettuce and salsa for dinner. Tonight I didn’t run and I thoroughly enjoyed my turkey tacos, rice, beans, and veggies all topped with a little bit of lettuce and followed up with a tasty treat!

Things will not always go the way we planned— whether they be small things like me not being able to run today or things with a greater impact—but we control how we handle those changes. I know now, we can choose who we want to be. I choose not to be a slave to calories consumed and calories burned. I choose to listen to my body. And I choose to be healthy, happy, and to properly love and nourish myself.

 

 

 

Post script: this is not my original draft. The first time I wrote this my computer deleted it all. I literally wrote a post called “It didn’t quite go as planned.” And it got deleted. I don’t like this version quite as much, but I am not going to let the little things get me down. I did my best with the rewrite and I hope you all enjoyed reading. 

Forgiveness

“People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what’s bitter and move on.”

I was writing an email to a friend that I met through my “fitfam” talking about my experiences the past few months and I realized what has pushed me forward the farthest was forgiving myself.

Growing up, we are taught the importance of saying, “I’m Sorry” and forgiving those who apologize to us. With all the anxiety and crazy emotions that have followed me around for last five years and even more amplified in the last year, I did my fair share of lashing out. And I have had to ask for a lot of forgiveness from those who were at the other end of it (most frequently my incredible and endlessly supportive boyfriend)– forgiveness was always granted to me.

But each time I lashed out, I disliked and blamed myself that much more. 

The moment I knew I had moved into the “next chapter” of my life that I life to refer to, was the moment I told myself, “It’s okay.” Because sometimes we are ready to be healthier and stronger than ever, there is just that one final barrier. This was mine:

It’s okay that you hurt yourself. It’s okay that you tried to recover and failed once, twice, three times, or more. It’s okay that you let your fears define your social life for months or years. It’s okay that you became so self-centered that you didn’t realize how your actions affected others. It’s okay that you are scared of the future. It’s okay that you fear things that are really so small. It’s okay that you hurt people around you. It’s okay that you lost sight of what’s really important. It’s okay. It’s not good, but it’s okay and I forgive you.

I was so sorry that I had done everything I had done, but I never actually forgave myself. And that was my liberating moment. Forgiveness is a powerful thing, especially when we are strong enough to forgive ourselves for our own wrong doings. The past is the past- it will always be a part of us, but it should not stop us from defining our own bright future.

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

 

Its like a diet, except instead of eating less, you keep eating more….

I realize my post last night didn’t talk about HOW I got to 2200 calories a day and the answer is reverse dieting. I hope this answers more of your questions, if it doesn’t and I forgot anything then feel free to comment or email me! I will do a workout post soon, but to give you an idea- before I started reverse dieting I mainly ran, when I first started reverse dieting I did upper body workout about 4 times a week, and now I workout 5-6 days a week with a big mishmash of cardio and weights.

I started my instagram promoting a clean and active lifestyle. But little did I know that clean and active did not necessarily mean healthy. And my lifestyle (though I was in denial of it) was FAR from healthy.

I love to run and I was running about 30-35 miles a week in September. I get a huge runner’s high and I really feel like I’m on top of the world after a good, long run. Well back in September, I felt on top of the world and I was exhausted. Why? Because I never wanted to go over the forbidden 1200 calorie mark UNLESS I ran 8-10 miles that day. Then I allowed myself to hit 1400-1600 AND I FELT GUILTY. WHAT?! I literally burned nearly 1000 calories just from a run and felt guilt about eating a big breakfast of dry wheat toast, egg whites, and a some breakfast potatoes.

Let me break down exactly why that is so ridiculous (using rough estimates):

1600—approximate number of calories I consumed ON A TEN MILE RUN day

(1000) – approximate number of calories burned on the run

(1000)—approximate number of calories burned by literally being alive

(800)—approximate calories burned with day-to-day activities

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(1200)—calorie deficit. And that was my absolute highest calorie day.

Was I losing weight? No. Was I gaining definition? No. Was I skinny? Yes. Did I have abs to show for my hard work? Eh… More like a little pouch and some ribs.

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My body was in a starvation mode of sorts, which I figured out when I started seeing people who were reverse dieting on instagram with “IIFYM” or “If It Fits Your Macros.” I was intrigued so I did some research and this is one of the best articles I found:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/208407-how-to-repair-a-damaged-metabolism-stavation-mode- this is an article by Tom Venuto who is a well respected nutrition coach and author- he also has a great website: www.bunthefatblog.com — with interesting health articles.

But despite the success stories on Instagram and my research- I was still hesitant about eating more. Then tragedy (in my self-absorbed, little world- more about that later) struck. I tore my quad in three places. I couldn’t run at all. My little happy pill was gone. I was so afraid I was going to gain weight and restrict and go back to the days where I ate 1000 calories or sometimes well under that in a day.

I have always said I don’t want to make myself a victim of circumstance. I am a fighter. I went through a lot of things in high school, but I wouldn’t let it get to me. It wasn’t truly a bad day if I could still manage at least one smile. I realized when I got injured I was victimizing myself. The last thing I ever wanted to do and I was ready to take action. I had far too many things in my life to smile about to let a little injury get in my way of happiness!

I decided not being able to do cardio was the perfect time to start reverse dieting and start weight lifting. I started at 1650 calories because that was the absolute highest I was comfortable eating and I was full ALL THE TIME! But I also got to eat more fun foods and I really didn’t feel too guilty because I kept telling myself “It’s a process.” Before I knew it (literally within a week), 1650 didn’t keep me full so I upped to 1700 and then to 1750 and then to 1800. By that time I was able to start running short distances again and my weight workouts were drastically increasing. I was feeling pretty dang good.

I had been taking progress pictures and realized my abs were better than ever and I actually had arm muscles! I was still fitting into my little sizes even though I had gained some weight (it was all muscle). I upped again to 1850 and started running up to 3 miles a day (it started will ½ a mile a day).

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(pardon the bra :/)

After Thanksgiving, finals hit and I stopped working out, did a lot of stress eating, and ate a lot of processed junk without much sleep. I had clearly gained a bit of fat weight in those couple weeks and my initial reaction was “RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT!” But then I took a step back and gave myself a very stern talking to,

“Tracy what the actual f**k. You have come so far. You are so much stronger and happier than you were. Since when are you the little b**ch that makes yourself a victim of circumstance? Answer: you’re not. SO SNAP OUT OF IT! You have this entire break to get back in shape and get stronger than ever. Let’s not take the stupid and easy route of restricting and undoing all the profgress. Challenge yourself! BREAK THE 2000 BARRIER!!!”

“uh… that’s kind of scary…”

“says the girl who has jumped of cliffs, into canyon, and out of planes.”

“you’re right Tracy! I’m a badass b**ch who is about to start eating 2000 calories a day!”

^Yup, I do have conversations with myself.

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(my body after two weeks off, not too shabby! my abs were still better than when I was eating 1200 a day!!)

Anyways, I decided on 2000 because my body was used to 0 workouts and lots of bad calories the weeks leading up to that moment and I figured it could handle 2000 good calories a day with lots of added workouts.

And boy was I right! Not only did I have tons of energy to smash my workouts, I also felt SO freed from a calorie intake that I feared for literally years (since I was like 13 or 14)!

In the first week I lost two pounds. And it no longer kept me full. I upped to 2100 and on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, I indulged without binging or restricting or guilt.

The day after Christmas, I looked in the mirror after eating 1000 calories within 4 hours of waking up. I looked at my little food baby (that was surrounded by some slightly popping muscles) and I SMILED. I realized I had been liberated from guilt over food and self hate. I realized I was free to enjoy this remarkable existence that I have. I realized I was truly, genuinely happy. I realized I had started the next chapter of what I know will be an amazing life.

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(my day after Christmas body and happiness)