Tracy’s writing a blog post?! What?! (Tracy’s talking in the third person?! Okay- I need to stop, I am tired. Bear with me…)
So it is has been a while since I last posted on here. A long while… It’s been a busy year! And I have just been doing well. Living life and being a happy kid (some may say I am an adult now. Those people are mean). And honestly, I always have lots to say, but I don’t know what my blog readers care to read about (I do take request J if there are any of you still out there…)!
But here is where I am at with life, I work in public accounting at one of the “Big Four” accounting firms. Living the nerd life is fine. I am a tax accountant, so I am working an absurd amount of hours, but I handle it well. I sort of thrive in this environment, but I do missing getting to cook, grocery shop, see my family and friends, etc…
I have lived the last couple years in a normal place with food, exercise, etc. I eat mostly intuitive, sometimes I count macros, but never too intensely. Sometimes I am good about having a workout routine and sometimes that routine slips away. I have had a few injuries that were set-backs, but nothing I haven’t bounced back from. Life has been good.
But for the five or so years before, as those who have read my blog in the past probably know, I struggled with pretty bad eating and body image issues. There was no such thing as a day where I didn’t think about exactly how many calories I ate or how big my thighs were or how flat my stomach was—most of you reading are probably reading because you have been through the same. Anyways, those things don’t usually affect me anymore.
Do you see where this is going now? You guessed it! Those feelings (probably best described here) kind of started to inch back into my life this week. And it is unsettling.
Earlier this week I came down with a stomach bug that left me unable to eat on Monday and since then my appetite has been gone. I don’t know if my metabolism is just that fast or what it was- but pants that were form-fitting last week, felt loose today (because I have not ate much at all). And I was pleased. Which is the reaction I have worked two years to move away from.
I am exhausted, I was at the office 18.5 hours yesterday and will be here about the same amount of time today. My positivity defenses are down. And those old, horribly self-deprecating thoughts are jumping back in.
Now all that being said- why am I writing all this to the public? Well frankly, because I have NO idea who to talk to about it. I am at work and know I need to get all this off my chest and really I need to hold myself accountable.
I will never let that stuff get the best of me again, but I am still human and right now I am certainly struggling. I kind of suck at my job, but I am new and I will get better. I am having very negative body image thoughts, but fuck that- I am awesome and will eat a pizookie tomorrow and a donut on Saturday and those stupid pants will be form-fitting again next week J
Moral of the story (because I feel like I need one for the MOST scatter-brained post ever)—if you read all this, you are awesome. I seriously feel so much better just having typed all these feelings out for everyone (or no one) to read. I hope you have a SPECTACULAR Friday and a rockin’, donut-filled weekend!
Post-initial-writing edit: OH MY GOODNESS I just looked at my last post and the picture I posted with it… I laughed out loud. I am the absolute worst selfie-taker on the planet. If you need a laugh, feel free to look at it and laugh at me with me.